If Only We Could Love Again

In the seventh year of my illness, I was finally so broke that I couldn't even scrape together enough money for my medication the next day. To raise the money, my best friend went back to the nightclub and started taking clients. By the time I found out and rushed over, I could already hear her suppressed, trembling voice coming from the private room. "Duncan, we can't do this! "Wendy will be devastated if she finds out!" The next second, I heard my boyfriend's low, ragged moan. "How else are you going to counteract the drug's effects?" My fingernails dug into my palms. The pain made my vision turn black. What hurt even more was that after it was over, Katie came to my bedside with tear-filled eyes and shoved a crumpled stack of bills into my hand. "Wendy, I made enough money working the club tonight to cover your medical expenses tomorrow." Duncan looked at Katie's scraped knees and bruised wrists. His eyes instantly turned bloodshot. The next second, he turned to face me. Those eyes that had once been filled with affection now held nothing but exhaustion and resentment. "Wendy, why won't you just die? "How much longer are you going to drag us down?" Right after cursing at me, he still used the money he'd earned by selling his blood to buy me hot oatmeal and painkillers. On the other hand, he could afford to gnaw on only half of a cold, hardened slice of bread. I watched as he carefully pulled a blanket over Katie. His movements were gentle as he tried not to wake her. An aching sensation spread from my chest through my entire body. It felt like countless knives slowly scraping away at me from the inside. Silent tears slipped onto my pillow. It didn't matter. I was going to die soon. Soon enough, I would stop being a burden to them. Chapter 1 After Duncan Stewart yelled at me, the room fell silent for a long time. It was long enough for Duncan to finish gnawing that half of a cold, hardened slice of bread. He brought me, Wendy Joseph, a bowl of hot oatmeal and murmured an apology. "I'm sorry, Wendy. I'm just so tired." I didn't have the courage to look at him, so I could only close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. Just before dawn, Katie Lindt sat up from the sofa. She put a straw into a carton of soy milk and handed it to me. "Wendy, here. It's low-sugar. "You shouldn't have anything too sweet right now." Her movements were still as practiced as ever, but when I lowered my gaze and saw the bruises around her wrist, my fingers still trembled. The soy milk was sweet enough, yet it tasted bitter enough to make my throat tightened. Duncan was opening the oatmeal container. His hands had once been beautiful and almost looked like a work of art. They were perfect for playing the piano. He always said that once I recovered, he would personally play a song for me at our wedding. But now, even opening a disposable food container seemed difficult for those hands. His palms were covered in calluses that repeatedly cracked open and scabbed over. When Duncan handed me the oatmeal, he instinctively blew on it. But the very next second, as if lost in a daze, he brought the spoon to Katie's lips. The air felt tense. Katie's face turned pale. Duncan suddenly came to his senses. His wrist trembled as the oatmeal nearly spilled. He moved the spoon back in front of me. I took it and lowered my head for a sip. The oatmeal was scalding and burned the tip of my tongue, but I didn't pull away. Compared to the things Duncan had said last night, this little burn was nothing. The three of us sat around the small table while we had our breakfast. It was just like what we did so many times before. The only difference was that our breakfasts used to be filled with laughter. Katie would try to steal the omelette from Duncan's plate, and he would coldly swat her fork away. I would sit between them and laugh until I coughed. Katie would immediately berate Duncan. "Stop making her laugh! You know what condition she's in!" Back then, I always thought I was the luckiest person in the world. My best friend was sitting across from me, and the person I loved most was beside me. They protected me from both sides and made sure nobody could hurt me. Yet now, it was still the same table, and there were still the three of us. Even so, Katie didn't dare look at Duncan. Duncan avoided looking at her too. Their eyes would inevitably meet by accident. They would then quickly look away while appearing guilty and flustered. Suddenly, my throat felt tight. It wasn't because of my illness. It was because I finally saw the truth. It wasn't that they didn't love me. They had simply fallen in love with each other too. That love grew out of the daily grind of buying my medicine, scraping cash together, and simply keeping me alive. I didn't even feel entitled to blame them. A sudden, metallic sweetness rose in my throat. I bit down hard on my lip and barely managed not to cough in front of them. After breakfast, Katie stood up to clear away the containers. When she bent over, a fresh red mark showed beneath her collarbone. Duncan saw it, and his expression changed instantly. He instinctively took a step forward, but he then forced himself to stop. I pretended not to notice and lowered my head before scrolling through my phone. On the screen was the treatment refusal agreement I had signed last night. Once I stopped taking my medication, my body wouldn't last more than three days. My bones often throbbed with this deep, agonizing ache that made me curl up into a ball. Chapter 2 After cleaning up, Katie came over and crouched beside me. "Wendy. "Once you're feeling better, let's take a picture together. The three of us." I suddenly recalled something from many years ago. The three of us had taken a picture together back then. Katie had insisted on standing in the middle, saying that she was the oldest and would protect Duncan and me. Duncan had refused and shamelessly squeezed in beside me. Just before the camera shutter went off, he secretly took my hand. After we got the photos back, I laughed for a long time. I thought I was the happiest person in the world. Now, I looked at the two exhausted faces before me and smiled. "We'll take one once I get better." Katie's tears immediately fell. She quickly lowered her head and wiped the tears away. "That's a promise." I lowered my head and finished the last spoonful of oatmeal. Deep down, I calmly thought, 'I'm never going to get better. There's no point in taking that picture.' That's because I would soon disappear from their world completely. That would be the time I gave them back their freedom. I would also free myself from this painful love. That night, I was woken up by an argument in the living room. It sounded like Katie was crying. "Back then, Wendy took that job at the factory contaminated by radiation just to pay our tuition! "She developed pneumoconiosis because of us! We can't betray her like this!" Then came the sound of clothes being pulled and disheveled. Duncan's breathing grew heavier. "We'll never be able to repay what we owe her, but can you honestly say you don't love me? "This has nothing to do with her. This is between the two of us!" Katie choked back a sob. "I don't love you! "Duncan, listen to me. I don't love you! "I don't love you at all– "Mmph!" The next second, all her protests were silenced. I lay in bed with my eyes wide open. In the darkness, I could see the ceiling getting blurry before my eyes. I heard them kissing in the living room. I heard Katie crying as she pushed him away. I also heard her resistance gradually fade. At that moment, I finally understood that some betrayals didn't begin with physical intimacy. They began with concern, a moment of compassion, an instinctive act of protection, and an uncontrollable moment of closeness. Gradually, there would be no way to turn back. I suddenly felt a violent wave of nausea in my stomach. The pain in my chest followed. It felt like a hand had seized my lungs and was slowly twisting them tighter and tighter. I tried to endure it, but my body had already been tortured by this illness for too long. The next second, a metallic sweetness surged into my throat. I quickly reached for the tissues on the nightstand, but my whole body went limp, and I collapsed onto the floor. The sounds from the living room abruptly stopped. Duncan and Katie rushed in at the same time. Katie's hair was disheveled, and her eyes were bloodshot. Her collar was a mess. When they saw me lying on the floor, their faces instantly turned pale. "Wendy!" Katie ran over to help me up. The scent of her perfume blended with the smell of Duncan's cigarettes. It made my stomach churn even more. Duncan ran over and picked me up. "Wendy, Where does it hurt? "I'll take you to the hospital." I shook my head and used the last of my strength to force out a few words. "I'm fine. Go to bed." The next morning, Katie's eyes were terribly swollen. She carefully took my hand. "Wendy, let's take the picture. "You promised me yesterday." Duncan frowned when he heard that. "She was coughing up blood last night. Don't make her go through with this today." Katie's eyes immediately welled with tears. "I just want a picture of the three of us. "What if one day–" Her voice broke before she could finish. I smiled. "Then let's go." It would be perfect as my memorial photo. They both looked at me simultaneously. I pretended not to notice the guilt in their eyes. Katie was the one who chose the photography studio. The photographer had us stand in front of the backdrop. Duncan stood to my left, and Katie stood to my right. After looking at us for a few seconds, the photographer suddenly smiled and said, "You two should stand a little closer. You look like a couple." He was talking about Duncan and Katie. The air instantly felt tense. The smile on Katie's face faded. Duncan instinctively denied it. "We're not." He denied it very quickly, but after the words came out, the first person he looked at wasn't me. It was Katie. It seemed like he was worried about embarrassing her. Standing between them, I smiled and spoke. "It's fine. The three of us are like family." The moment I said the word family, Katie's eyes instantly welled up with tears. Duncan froze as well, but I smiled naturally. I acted as if I genuinely hadn't noticed the obvious spark of romance between them. In the photograph, I stood in the middle, while Duncan and Katie were next to me on each side. Yet their shoulders instinctively leaned toward each other. Only I stood perfectly straight like someone who had finally learned how to make a dignified exit. I slipped the photo into my bag. Right then, my phone vibrated. I received an email from the hospital. [Ms. Joseph, your treatment refusal request has been verified.] Chapter 3 Duncan leaned closer and tried to see what was on my phone. My fingertips trembled, and I didn't manage to turn off the screen in time. Before he could make out what was on it, Katie suddenly covered her mouth and retched violently. Duncan's attention was instantly drawn away. "Katie?" Katie leaned against the wall and vomited until her face turned pale. Looking at Katie's pale face, a thought suddenly appeared in my mind. She hadn't had her period in a long time. An absurd yet terrifying possibility slowly surfaced in my mind. Before I could think it through, I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest. The next second, I doubled over and violently vomited a large amount of blood. Duncan turned to look at me. There was a flash of panic in his eyes. But Katie retched again, and her whole body went limp as she collapsed into his arms. Duncan's hand froze in midair. On one side was me, vomiting blood and on the verge of losing consciousness. On the other was Katie, pale-faced and possibly pregnant. Katie clutched his sleeve tightly as tears streamed down her face. "Duncan, take Wendy to the hospital first! "She can't wait any longer!" My consciousness was beginning to fade, and my ears were ringing. Yet I still saw Duncan squeeze his eyes shut in anguish. He suddenly screamed at me with bloodshot eyes. "Wendy, why won't you just die? "If you were dead, none of us would have to be weighed down by you! "Katie wouldn't have to suffer anymore either! Why won't you just die?" Those words were like a blunt knife that plunged deep into my heart. I opened my mouth, but all that came out was more blood. The person who loved me most was finally hoping I would die too. Katie covered his mouth with her hand and cried out, "Duncan, you've lost your mind! "How could you say that to her?" Duncan seemed horrified by his own words. He looked at me while pain and panic quickly filled his eyes. But the next second, Katie's body went limp again. Duncan finally bent forward and scooped her into his arms. His voice was terribly hoarse. It was as if he were saying it for me to hear and also trying to convince himself. "Wendy, just this once, I'll take care of Katie first. "Just this once." I collapsed on the floor as everything before my eyes gradually blurred. All I could hear was Duncan's hurried footsteps. Just before I completely lost consciousness, I heard him ask in a trembling voice, "Katie, about what happened three months ago, didn't I give you money to buy the pills?" Katie was crying so hard she could barely breathe. "Wendy was too weak after chemotherapy that day. "I used that money to buy her two sandwiches." My tears finally fell. So even this child had come into the world because of me. The pain inside surged over me like a tide. I lay on the cold floor and watched them leave. Suddenly, I thought, 'Wendy, look. You really are the source of all their suffering.' Chapter 4 I struggled on the floor in agony for a long time. Blood repeatedly gushed up my throat. At first, I could still cover my mouth. Later, I couldn't even lift my hands. Blood trickled from the corner of my lips onto the floor before slowly spreading into a small pool of crimson liquid. The photograph slipped from my pocket. In the picture, the three of us were all smiling. But when I looked closely, I saw that Duncan and Katie were secretly holding hands behind my back. It was just like how Duncan had held my hand years ago. I coughed up another mouthful of blood. This time, even my breathing turned weak. It felt like it could stop completely at any moment. Memories of the happiest moments of my life flashed through my mind. Back then, the three of us were still at the orphanage, and the summer heat was so unbearable that we couldn't even sleep. Katie would fan me with a piece of cardboard. As she fanned me, she would complain. "Wendy, why are you so weak? "When I make lots of money someday, I'll buy you ten air conditioners." Duncan would sit by the window while he practiced the piano. There wasn't actually a piano, so he'd just draw black and white keys on a piece of paper. His fingers would land on them over and over. He said, "When I perform in one of the biggest concert halls someday, the front row will be reserved for Wendy." Katie immediately kicked him. "What about me?" Duncan replied coldly, "You can sell tickets at the entrance." We burst into laughter. Back then, I truly believed that our challenging days would eventually end, and that the three of us would never fall apart. But later, in order to pay their tuition, I took a job at a factory contaminated by radiation. The night-shift pay was high. It was high enough for me to pay both of their tuition fees in one lump sum. I was happy to do it because ever since we were kids, Duncan and Katie had always been much smarter than me. I willingly supported them and helped them acquire better lives. But then one medical report shattered everything. They dropped out of school and started working desperately to make money. Our love and dreams were worn down into something unrecognizable by one medical bill after another. Suddenly, my body felt very light. It was so light that the pain, needle marks, and guilt that had weighed on me all these years seemed to be slowly leaving me. My life had actually been very short. I never even got to put on a wedding dress, see Duncan perform in a concert hall, and wait for Katie to actually buy those ten air conditioners. Yet it had also been very long. It was long enough for the pain after every treatment to feel endless, and it was long enough for me to watch the two people who loved me most get weighed down in life because of me. They had both been good people. They were truly wonderful people. Fate had simply been too cruel. It had forced all of us to become people we no longer recognized. Back when the three of us went to get our first government-issued IDs, I was supposed to be named Winnie because that's what they'd called me since we were kids. The clerk made a mistake and wrote down Wendy instead. Katie thought it was a bad omen and nearly got into a huge argument with the clerk. Back then, Duncan laughed and ruffled my hair. "In that case, I'll change my name to Duncan too. That'll even out the bad luck for Wendy." Unfortunately, fate had other plans. He couldn't even out the bad luck for me. He couldn't even help himself. Looking back now, my whole life was like a mist drifting over a river. I was never wanted by anyone and eventually destined to disappear as quickly as possible. It was very fitting. With the last of my strength gone, I slowly closed my eyes. - Duncan carried Katie home. Once they entered the house, Katie finally burst into tears. "I'll get an abortion tomorrow. "From now on, we'll both stay by Wendy's side. We can't keep–" Duncan's eyes were bloodshot. It was as if he couldn't bear to listen anymore. He suddenly lowered his head and kissed Katie fiercely. He silenced all her apologies and guilt with that kiss. Tears were still streaming down Katie's face, but the hands that had pushed him away eventually wrapped around him. The sounds of their breathing and kisses drowned out the notification sound from one of their phones. Neither of them saw the messages. [Are you Wendy's family?] [Please come to First City Hospital as soon as possible to claim her remains.]