I Heard His Thoughts, Never His Love

My childhood friend, Silas Grey, had struggled with an emotional disorder since he was young. He hated physical contact and was terrible at expressing himself. He was polite to everyone. Everyone except me. Whenever I handed him a glass of water, he immediately backed away with a cold expression. “Stay away from me.” But the next second, his wounded thoughts flooded my mind. My hands are covered in paint. I’ll ruin her dress. Why didn’t she hold my arm and coax me like she usually does? Does she hate me now? Everyone said I was the most special person in Silas’s life. So I stayed by his side for ten whole years, learning to read every look in his eyes and forgiving every cruel thing he said but didn’t mean. Until our parents suggested we get engaged. In front of everyone, Silas threw the engagement ring I’d prepared into the fish tank. “I’ve never liked her. She’s been clinging to me for ten years. It’s annoying as hell.” The room went dead silent. But inside his head, he was practically crying. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I can’t even give her a hug. I’ll only drag her down. If I’m cruel enough, she’ll leave me and find someone better. I watched the ring sink to the bottom of the tank. For once, I didn’t comfort him. Instead, I took off the bracelet I’d worn for ten years and placed it in front of him. “If you hate me that much, I won’t bother you anymore.” The moment those words left my mouth, the entire room fell silent. Mrs. Grey reacted first, grabbing my hand in alarm. “Nora, how could Silas possibly hate you?” “Everything you’ve ever given him is locked away in his cabinet. He won’t let anyone touch it.” “Whenever you come over, he acts like he doesn’t care, but he waits on the porch for you first thing in the morning—” “Who said I was waiting for her?” Silas cut her off coldly. His back was rigid, and he refused to even look at me. “She talks nonstop all day. It’s annoying. I’d be thrilled if she never came back.” This time, even his parents fell silent. I looked down at my wrist. I’d worn the bracelet Silas gave me for ten years. Now that it was gone, a faint indentation remained on my skin. Ten years ago, some classmates had locked Silas inside a locker room. When we found him, he was soaked through, hiding alone beside the lockers. After that, he developed severe emotional problems. He feared strangers and resisted physical contact, yet desperately craved affection. The Grey family hired countless therapists, but nothing helped much. Whenever anyone approached him, he simply retreated into silence and shut himself away. Only with me would he snap, “Don’t touch me.” And only I could hear what he was really thinking. Come closer. Hold my arm. Don’t leave. Everyone said Silas was willing to show emotion only around me because he trusted me. And because I could hear his thoughts, I once believed I truly was special. So when Mr. and Mrs. Grey tearfully asked me to stay with him, I agreed. I stayed for ten years. I memorized everything he liked and read paper after paper about emotional disorders. I wasn’t naturally talkative, yet I practiced smiling in front of a mirror every day and prepared conversation topics in advance, just so I could make him a little happier whenever we met. Every cold look he gave me, every cruel sentence he threw at me, I explained away for him. Because I could hear his heart. He told me to get lost while silently begging me to stay. He said seeing me annoyed him while secretly wishing I’d stay a little longer. I always thought that as long as I could hear the affection buried underneath, the words themselves couldn’t hurt me. But I was wrong. A knife wrapped in sugar was still a knife. For ten years, I used his thoughts to soothe myself again and again. I forgot that I could hurt too. Even now, his thoughts crashed desperately into my ears. She actually agreed to leave? Why isn’t she comforting me? I didn’t mean any of that. Please. Just try one more time. Should I just tell her the truth? I can’t live without her. My eyes burned. But for the first time, I didn’t soften. I’d had enough. A chair suddenly scraped harshly across the floor behind me. Silas rushed after me and blocked my path. He couldn’t get a single word out. Yet his thoughts were frantic, almost tearful. You can’t leave. I want to marry you. Just tell me you don’t care that I’m like this. Tell me you’ll never leave, and I’ll say yes immediately. I’ll give you the best wedding. I’ll give you everything I have. Tears suddenly spilled down my cheeks. Silas froze. His hand instinctively lifted to wipe them away, only to stop halfway. I looked into his eyes. Some ridiculous final shred of hope still lingered inside me. “Silas, I’m asking you one last time. Do you really not want to get engaged to me?” Everyone looked at him. His face slowly flushed. Even his eyes turned red. Tell her. Tell her you love her. Beg her not to leave. After a long silence, he turned his face away. His voice was cold and hard. “Who said I wanted to marry you?” “I only stopped you because I want everything I gave you back.”

Something inside me finally shattered. Ten years together, reduced to settling accounts. I swallowed the ache in my throat and turned toward my parents. “Mom, Dad, please go home and bring everything Silas ever gave me.” Silas’s face changed instantly. No. I didn’t mean it. I don’t want her to give anything back. If she returns everything, there’ll really be nothing left between us. His lips remained pressed together until my parents walked out the door. Then he said, “Don’t leave out a single thing.” “Silas, stop saying things you don’t mean.” A gentle female voice came from the doorway. My cousin, Serena Bennett, walked inside pulling a suitcase behind her. She had started piano at five, won a national junior competition at twelve, and received early admission to an Ivy League school at sixteen. She finished both her bachelor’s and master’s degrees ahead of schedule and had supposedly returned after being invited by an internationally renowned professor to participate in a child psychology research project. Her life had always looked flawless. The moment Silas saw her, the tension visibly left his shoulders. Serena walked over and gently scolded him. “What did I teach you? You don’t speak to a woman like that. Apologize to Nora.” Silas didn’t argue. He lowered his eyes. “Sorry.” But his thoughts practically leaped with relief. Thank God Serena’s back. She’s giving me an out. If I apologize, Nora won’t leave. I knew from his thoughts that he was only happy because Serena had given him a way to back down. Still, memories surfaced against my will. Whenever I tried to get Silas to eat, he would sweep the plate onto the floor and coldly tell me to get lost. Serena only had to say, “Knock it off,” and he would silently pick up his fork. When I worried he couldn’t sleep, I read stories to him. He told me I was annoying. But if Serena sent him a casual text, he would read it dozens of times. Maybe I had never mattered to him as much as I thought. My chest hurt. Yet even admitting that pain felt pathetic. After all, I’d spent my entire life in Serena’s shadow. When she got straight A’s, my parents bragged to everyone that the Bennett family had produced a genius. When I climbed from the middle of my class into the top ten, my father threw my report card at my face. “What’s there to celebrate about tenth place? Serena has never been anything but first!” My mother forced me to learn piano because Serena played it. She made me wear white dresses because Serena liked them. She even wanted me to speak the way Serena did. “If you were half as accomplished as Serena, you wouldn’t embarrass us so much.” But I wasn’t an answer sheet meant to be copied from her. I was Nora Bennett. When I was twelve, I finally broke under their criticism. I climbed over the fence and ran away from home. At an abandoned amusement park, I found Silas, who had run away too. He was curled up beside an old carousel. His heart was sobbing. I’m scared. Can that girl in the white dress take me home? I linked my arm through his and walked him back to the Grey house. That was how our bond began. I secretly tested it afterward. No one else could hear his thoughts. I thought it was a privilege God had given only me. And when I was with Silas, no one compared me to Serena. So even when his moods swung wildly, I treated him as my only safe harbor. It was much later that I learned the person Silas had depended on most as a child had always been Serena. The day he ran away was the day Serena’s family was moving overseas. What I had mistaken for destiny was nothing more than an empty place she had left behind. “Marriage isn’t something you decide on impulse.” Serena took my hand and smiled gently, though something almost taunting flickered in her eyes. “Nora, think about it again. Silas can’t live without you.” When I said nothing, she turned to Silas with a smile. “Why don’t you fold her some paper stars to cheer her up? You make me a whole jar every birthday so I can make wishes.” “Make some for Nora too. The jar in your study is almost full anyway.” My entire body went rigid. The glass jar filled with paper stars—the Jar of Wishing Stars—had always been kept on the highest shelf in Silas’s study. Once, I accidentally knocked it down. Stars scattered everywhere. Silas’s eyes immediately turned red, and he shoved me away hard. My arm slammed against the corner of the desk. The bruise lasted two weeks. Damn it. She saw them. What’s the point of hiding them now? Did she get hurt? I shouldn’t have panicked like that. Later, he silently treated my injury. I was the one who comforted him. “Everyone has something precious they don’t want anyone touching. I understand.” So the treasure he had desperately protected had always belonged to Serena. Silas jerked his head up. His face went deathly pale. No. Those stars were— “Nora, we brought everything.” My mother walked over. She looked at me as though she wanted to say something, but in the end, she remained silent and set a cardboard box in front of me. Inside were old hair clips Silas had casually given me, half-used paintbrushes, and books he had already read. Things he’d tossed my way whenever he happened to be in a good mood. Yet I had treasured every single one for ten years. I stopped listening for Silas’s thoughts. I wouldn’t listen anymore. I closed the box and pushed it toward him. “It’s all here.” “Silas, starting today, neither of us owes the other anything.” “And neither of us will bother the other again.”

I turned and walked away. Behind me, his thoughts practically tore themselves apart. Don’t go. I don’t want the stuff back. Come back. Nora, please. Just comfort me one more time. I didn’t turn around. For the first time in ten years, I knew he was begging me to stay. And I chose not to hear him. When I got home, I placed my application in front of my parents. “I applied to a graduate program at the University of Edinburgh. I’ll be leaving soon.” My father frowned. “You made a decision this big without discussing it with us?” “What are you going to accomplish in Edinburgh anyway? You’d be better off asking Serena to find you a job.” My mother complained too. “Is this because of Silas? Just because the engagement fell through doesn’t mean you should make enemies of the Greys. They’ve helped our family so much.” “Do you have to make everyone miserable before you’re satisfied?” Serena again. Silas again. As if my entire life existed only to orbit them. As a child, I had been forced to chase Serena. As an adult, I gave up the literature I loved for Silas, applying to the same university and major he chose. But no matter how hard I ran, everyone only saw the distance between Serena and me. Even after my engagement collapsed, relatives simply said, “Serena is so accomplished. It’s hardly surprising Silas didn’t want Nora.” This time, I looked calmly at my parents. “I want to live my own life.” After rushing through the paperwork, I had seven days left before leaving for Edinburgh. Then one of my college friends contacted me. “One last get-together before graduation. You’d better come. What about Silas? Is he coming with you?” Everyone knew Silas and I had always been inseparable. For four years, I checked him into classes, brought him meals, organized his notes, and endured plenty of jokes behind my back about being his pathetic little lapdog. They also knew Silas hated crowds. Parties, club events, graduation trips—I’d begged him countless times. His answer was always the same. “No. Stop bothering me.” So my friend was only asking out of habit. “He won’t come.” My friend didn’t press. “Okay. Just make sure you’re there on time.” The place was packed on the night of our graduation party. Halfway through, the door suddenly opened. Too many people. It’s so loud. I want to go home. That familiar inner voice slipped into my ears. My hand paused around my glass. Silas stood in the doorway, pale-faced. Serena was beside him. My friend hurried over in surprise. “Silas? I can’t believe you actually came!” Serena smiled easily. “Silas insisted I come with him, so I had no choice but to join the fun.” She tilted her head toward him, her voice intimate. “You said when we were kids that you wanted to study the same thing I did. I can’t believe you actually followed through. You really didn’t have to accommodate me that much.” My chest tightened. So Silas had chosen his major because of her too. And I had given up literature—the thing I loved most—so I could study the same thing as Silas and take care of him. The three of us had spent years chasing one another. And I had always been the one at the very back. The unnecessary one. Silas spotted me through the crowd. His dull eyes instantly lit up. She really is here. Good thing I made Serena bring me. She hasn’t come to see me once lately. The house is unbearably quiet. I’ll apologize later, and she’ll stop being mad. In the past, the slightest trace of discomfort on his face in a crowd would have sent me rushing to his side. This time, I lowered my head and kept laughing with the people around me. Later, during a game, the bottle landed directly in front of Silas. My friend drew a challenge card and read it aloud. “Pick someone of the opposite sex and eat the same French fry from opposite ends until there’s only one inch left!” Everyone laughed and looked at me. “Do we even need to ask? Nora, get over there!” Before, I would have stepped in before anyone could tease Silas. This time, I didn’t move. Silas pressed his lips together and stared at me for a long time. Then he pointed at Serena. “Her.” The room went quiet for a second. Serena sat across from him, smiling. “After all these years, you’re still the most attached to me.” Nora, why aren’t you coming over? You used to get jealous so easily. Just tell me you don’t want me doing this. I’ll choose someone else immediately. The French fry was held between them. The cheering grew louder. I remained where I was. Triumph flashed through Serena’s eyes. She turned toward me with a smile. “Sorry, Nora. Silas has only ever been comfortable getting close to me. Don’t take it the wrong way.” I lifted my glass in a casual toast. “It’s fine.” Silas snapped his gaze toward me. Every trace of color drained from his face. I met his eyes calmly. “After all, he and I have nothing to do with each other anymore.”