You Have No Place in My Future

On the day of our graduation photo, the class started sorting everyone into groups. I'd barely taken my place beside my boyfriend, Evan Brooks, when someone started shouting. "Put Claire next to Evan!" "Right? Claire's the prettiest girl on campus. She belongs beside the campus heartthrob!" Before I could react, my childhood friend Liam took my arm and gently traded our positions. "Nina, switch with Claire. "It's only a graduation photo. Don't be petty." Evan smiled and didn't refuse. He only stepped half a step aside, opening a space for Claire. I froze where I stood and touched the barrette in my hair without thinking. It was the first gift he'd ever given me. I'd stood in front of the mirror for ages getting it right, because I wanted one proper photograph with him. Right before the shutter, Evan called to me. "Nina." My heart lurched. The next second, he reached up and took the barrette out of my hair. "Claire's hair is a mess. Let her borrow this." The teasing started up again. Claire lowered her head and smiled. Evan didn't explain. The photographer called out. "All right—happy graduation!" When everyone shouted it together, I was standing at the very edge. At that moment, I finally understood that I had never belonged there. Since I had no place in your graduation photograph, you would have no place in my future. Chapter 1 After the class picture came the informal photo session. Evan Brooks and Claire Sullivan stood together as if they'd been made for each other. Liam Shaw lifted his camera and waved at me from behind it. "Nina, step aside. You're blocking the shot." I stepped aside without a word. For the next two hours, the three of them took every kind of picture imaginable: Evan and Claire alone, all three of them together, one pose after another. Not once did anyone say, "Nina, come join us." I left the athletic field and went back to the classroom to clear out my desk. On my way out, I heard a few girls talking nearby. "Evan and Claire really are the perfect campus couple. They look incredible together." "Liam's cute too—the sunny, athletic type. But honestly…" "Don't you think Nina looks out of place with them? I don't know why she keeps forcing her way into their little circle. I heard they didn't even call her over for the pictures today." I stopped in the empty hallway with an armful of books and stared at the falling leaves outside the window. How many times had this happened? How many times had they forgotten I existed while we were all doing something together? How many times had even outsiders thought it looked strange to see me standing with them? Claire and Liam had been my friends since we were kids. They were good-looking, outgoing, popular. Even back then, they were the two everyone noticed first. I was the girl trailing behind them, carrying their bags—the one whose name nobody quite remembered. All I'd ever wanted was for one person's eyes to settle on me and stay there. When I met Evan, I thought I'd finally found someone who had eyes only for me. Somehow I'd ended up part of the scenery again. My phone chimed. Claire had posted a carousel of nine photos. In one, she was draped over Evan's back with her arms around his neck, laughing radiantly. The comments were a chorus of "Perfect couple!" and "Forever!" Liam wrote, "At last, our campus power couple has the graduation pictures of a lifetime!" Evan replied, "Now a certain someone shouldn't have any regrets left." Claire answered, "Please. It wasn't only my regret! Someone's very good at blaming me." More teasing followed as the three of them joked under the post. At one point I thought someone mentioned my name. I didn't respond. Nobody cared. I liked Claire's post. Then I thought about it and unpinned Evan's conversation from the top of my messages. Fine. They could have their regret. After I got home, a new message appeared on my phone. It was from the group chat shared by the four of us. Claire had tagged me. Nina, don't read too much into that post. Evan and I made a bet, and he was just paying up. Chapter 2 I didn't answer. I turned to my mother instead. "Mom, has the London program you told me about opened applications yet?" She paused. "They open soon. Are you thinking of applying?" I nodded. Mom looked surprised. "I thought you and Evan were moving to New York together." As graduation got closer, Evan and I had agreed to look for jobs there. Then, at Claire's birthday party, I happened to catch sight of a handwritten letter he'd given her. That was how I learned the truth. Evan wanted New York because Claire was going. Liam was moving there too. He said that if all three of them were in the city, they could look after Claire. Only after they'd finished arguing it out did they remember I was sitting right there. "Nina can come too," Evan had said casually. "With one more person there, we can all look out for one another." For Claire, they'd chosen an entire city. When it came to me, I was merely one more person who could help everyone look out for one another. I forced a strained smile. "I don't think I want to go anymore." Whether I was there or not didn't make any real difference. Mom studied my face. In the end she didn't ask, just reached over and smoothed my hair. "Then we'll wait for applications to open and get yours in." I nodded and shut myself in my room. When I checked my phone again, Evan had already answered Claire for me. You think everyone's like you. Nina's considerate. She'd never care about something that small. I stared at the word 'considerate'. The truth was, I cared. Evan was my boyfriend, and yet everyone was convinced that he and Claire were the ones meant for each other. He'd never corrected a single person. He just let the jokes keep coming. I cared very much. I had expressed my unhappiness to Evan before. The four of us had gone to a movie. On the way back, I took his hand. "Could you stop being so close to Claire?" I asked. He looked surprised, then laughed it off. "You think I want to be this close to her? If she weren't your friend, I'd never spend a minute with someone that bossy. "Be considerate, Nina. Don't make an issue out of nothing. "Come on. They're calling us from up ahead." He was already walking before he finished the sentence. My fingers slipped off his sleeve. Just like today, every objection I raised got waved away with one light, careless word: considerate. Then Claire sent a voice message to the group. "Don't get smug. Next time you fall into my hands, it won't be as simple as carrying me on your back!" Evan answered instantly. You don't scare me. I opened our private conversation. At eight the night before, I'd sent him a New York job listing and said I wanted to try for it. Two hours later he'd replied, Sure, sounds good. The message before that was three days older. I'd asked how his senior thesis was going. An hour later he'd answered, Fine. At the exact minute I sent that question, he'd been in the group chat responding to a meme Claire shared. The farther back I scrolled, the longer and more thoughtful his replies got. The closer to now, the shorter and more indifferent. Then someone tagged me in the group again. I opened it and stared at the photo attached. Oops, Nina! Claire wrote. I broke your barrette by accident. I'm so sorry! Tell me what it cost and I'll pay you back. Before I could type anything, Evan sent his own. It's fine. It's just a barrette. It wasn't worth much. My fingers went still. All at once I remembered every other time Claire had ruined something of mine and Evan had decided for me that it didn't matter. Once, Claire tore my fellowship application. Chapter 3 Evan crumpled it into a ball and threw it away. "It's fine. Nina can just get another copy from her professor." Claire splashed permanent ink across my clothes, and Evan wiped her tears away with a smile. "It's fine. The stain almost looks intentional. She can still wear them." Claire lost the fountain pen Mom gave me when I started college, and Evan stepped in front of her with a frown. "What does it matter? You've had that pen three years. It was time for a new one." Every time I showed the slightest reluctance to let it go, he'd smooth my hair and drop his voice. "Come on, sweetheart. You're not like her. You're the mature one. Don't stoop to her level." By now he was so used to forgiving Claire on my behalf that he didn't see anything strange about it. Sure enough, when Claire continued worrying about it, he wrote again. Nina's considerate. She isn't as petty as you think. I looked at that message for a long time. Then I sent my first reply of the day. Evan, I'm not as considerate as you think. The group went quiet for two seconds. Liam, who'd been lurking without a word, posted a question mark. Then Evan called me. "Nina, what is wrong with you? It's one barrette. Why are you being so aggressive?" "I'm not coming after anyone, Evan." "Then what do you want? Isn't Claire your best friend? You used to give in to her over everything. Why make a scene now?" "You're the one who told me I was allowed to say when something hurt me." Evan went quiet. From somewhere near him, I heard Claire's voice, thick with tears. "I'm sorry. Did I cause trouble between you two? I'll go apologize to Nina right now—" I froze. "You're together?" Evan stopped her, then came back to the phone with an exasperated sigh. "You called Claire out in the group. Of course I came over to check on her. "And what is there to be hurt about, anyway? She didn't break it on purpose." "So I'm the one doing this on purpose?" Evan snapped angrily. "Did you wake up looking for a fight? I bought that barrette, so I decide. Claire doesn't have to pay for it. What more do you want?" I opened my mouth and nothing came out. After some whispering on the other end, Claire took the phone. "Nina, are you on your period? Is that why you're upset? You really have to take care of yourself when—" Evan's voice came from behind her, calm again. "Her period isn't today. She's just being dramatic." Difficult. I nodded to myself. Whatever. I was leaving soon. Their affairs would have nothing to do with me anymore. Before the call ended, I heard Evan tell Claire, "Don't sink to her level." I sat on the edge of my bed for a long time. After it had gone fully dark outside, I opened the group chat and left it. The next day I went back to campus to visit our faculty advisor one last time. When I pushed open the door of Dr. Marsh's office, Evan and Claire were already there. Evan looked surprised. "What are you doing here?" Claire explained, "I asked in the group yesterday if anyone wanted to come see her one more time. You didn't answer, so we figured you weren't coming." Neither of them had noticed I'd left the chat. I handed Dr. Marsh the flowers I'd brought. She took them and asked, smiling, where each of us was headed after graduation. Evan and Claire both said New York. When it was my turn, Evan answered for me. "Nina's coming with me." Dr. Marsh smiled at that, and there was something pointed in it. "Nina hasn't posted anything about the two of you in ages. I thought she might have asked to break up with you already." Evan shrugged it off. "Of course not. Nina's just private. She doesn't like putting our relationship online." I didn't say anything. Early on, I used to post little moments from our life together. Chapter 4 Dr. Marsh had seen those posts and would usually leave a like. Then Evan got close to Claire, and pictures of the two of us slowly disappeared from my feed. There were group shots of all four of us, or shots I'd taken of the other three. Claire was always in the middle. When it was clear that Evan hadn't caught the hint, Dr. Marsh shook her head and asked the two of them to wait outside. She kept me back a moment. "Nina, if a relationship isn't nurturing you—if it's only draining you—then you need to think hard about whether it's worth continuing." Through the glass door, Claire said something and burst out laughing. Evan watched her, and his eyes warmed. I looked at them for a while, then let out a slow breath. I smiled at Dr. Marsh. "I understand. Thank you." When I came out, they were already gone. I looked down at my phone. Evan had sent three messages. Claire wanted to go feed the stray cats, so I took her there first. Remember to book your flight to New York. Claire and I are both on the nine o'clock. Get that one too. We'll meet at the international terminal—don't be late. I smiled, oddly relieved, and replied, Okay. The morning of my flight was brilliantly sunny. I dragged my heavy suitcase into the airport and didn't see Evan anywhere. A little while later, his message came in. Nina, Claire's stomach is bothering her, so I took her aboard first. When we land in New York I'll take you out for pizza. Be good and catch up with us. I didn't answer. I deleted him from my contacts instead. I had never wanted to be good for him. And I was never going to stand still and wait for him to turn around again. I put my phone away and walked toward international departures for my flight to London. Evan and Claire landed in New York at three that afternoon. Liam was already waiting. "You two took forever," he complained. "I said we should all book the same flight, but Claire insisted that she couldn't get up that early." Claire pouted. "Do you have a problem with that?" Liam laughed and took her suitcase. "I wouldn't dare, princess. You're the one person in this group nobody can afford to upset." Evan came up behind them and held up his phone. "The car's here. Let's go." "Wait." Liam looked around. "Where's Nina?" Only then did Evan register that one of the four was missing. He scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed, and lowered his head to call her. "I'll find out where she is. Nina's always so slow." Claire rubbed her sleepy eyes. "She's probably still inside. Nina isn't a child. She's not going to get lost. "Can't we just go? I'm exhausted." Evan held the phone to his ear and gave her a helpless smile. "We already left her behind at the gate because of you. If we do it again, she really will pick a fight with me." Claire made a face. "I wasn't feeling well. If she gets mad, I'll smooth it over for you." Liam laughed too. "Fine, fine. When Nina gets here I'll talk to her for you." They waited at the airport for an hour. At last Liam frowned. "Why isn't she out yet? Weren't you on the same flight?" "Nina's always slow," Claire said. "What's the rush?" "Her phone's off." Evan stared at the screen. "I'll call her mother." When Mrs. Quinn answered, he made his voice warm. "Mrs. Quinn, did Nina call you before she left? We're at the airport and we can't find her." There was a brief silence. Then she said, "Nina didn't go to New York. She's gone abroad. You didn't know?"