Love in the Past Tense

The day before the hospital posted the annual fellowship nomination list, my fiancé gave my slot to another woman. Someone asked him: "Lena spent three years prepping for this. She hasn't taken a single real vacation." "You're giving her spot to Sophie. Aren't you worried she'll leave you?" Adrian Cole went quiet for a beat. Then his voice came out steady. Certain. "She won't." "Sophie's father, Dr. Grant, left behind an unfinished research project before he died. Now her mother's been diagnosed with a serious illness. She can't afford to wait." "Lena has me. And her mom Laura still needs someone around. Once we're married, she can stay in Boston. She'll be fine." I stood frozen outside the conference room. I looked down at the ring I'd just picked up from the jeweler. So in his eyes, my entire future only needed one thing — a wedding. I didn't walk in. I didn't tell him my mom's latest scans had come back completely clear. I was finally free to leave Boston. That night, I canceled my plans to move into the new apartment. I requested a refund on the wedding deposits. And I sent my résumé to a children's medical center in New York. If he could brush past my future and make decisions for me without blinking, then my decisions no longer needed his input. He thought I'd stay by his side. But the future I'd waited three years for couldn't be reduced to a wedding. … The next morning, I walked into the handoff room like any other day. The department chief hadn't arrived yet. Sophie Grant was already sitting in my usual seat, Adrian's case notes spread out beside her. She jumped up the second she saw me. "Adrian told me to sit here and review these." I sat down in the last row. Adrian glanced up. "Why are you sitting all the way back there?" I ignored him. He frowned, then turned back to Sophie and told her to continue her report. The chief walked in and announced this year's fellowship nomination list. "This year, our department's sole nomination goes to Sophie Grant." "She'll also advance to the next round of academic promotion review." He paused. "Lena is getting married in September. Adrian informed us that she's decided to stay in Boston and has withdrawn from this year's program." Applause filled the room. Someone turned around with a grin. "Lena's about to be a married woman. Can't have it all — gotta leave something for the rest of us, right?" Sophie stood up, eyes red. "Thank you, everyone. And thank you, Adrian." "My father's research project almost died with him. Without Adrian's help, I honestly didn't know what I was going to do." She looked at me. Her voice dropped. "And I especially want to thank Lena for giving me this opportunity." Every pair of eyes in the room landed on me. I closed my notebook. "I didn't volunteer to step down. And I didn't give my spot to anyone." The chief's smile froze on his face. Adrian cut in, voice cold. "The nomination's already been submitted. Let's finish handoff." After the meeting, he cornered me in the stairwell. "You really had to say that in front of everyone?" I stared back at him. "Say what?" "The final list has already been submitted. What's the point of making a scene now?" He still had the pen I'd given him clipped to his chest pocket. Years ago, the cap fell off. He spent two hours searching for it, terrified of losing anything I'd ever given him. Now my three years boiled down to one sentence: The list's already been submitted. "Who told the chief I withdrew voluntarily?" Adrian hesitated. "The last step required department signoff. I didn't submit your materials." I stared at him. "So you decided — on my behalf — that I wasn't applying." "It was the last day. Sophie's mother was rushed to the ER. I was going to talk to you about it after things settled down." I let out a cold laugh. "Adrian, the deadline had already passed. What exactly were you planning to talk to me about?" His patience visibly snapped. He pressed his fingers against his brow. "After we're married, you can transfer to outpatient. No more overnight shifts. It'll be easier to take care of Laura." "If the income's a little less, I can pick up the slack." "Come look at furniture for the new apartment tonight. Stop making this into something it's not." "No." "Stop it, Lena. I've got things to handle. Cool down on your own." He reached over, patted my head, and walked away. He was certain that once I cooled off, I'd follow him. Like I always did. At ten that morning, a nurse handed me discharge papers. "Dr. Bennett, Leo can go home today." Leo was five. He'd been in our care for almost two years. The second he saw me, he ran over and wrapped his arms around my leg. "Dr. Bennett, can I still come see you?" I'd barely crouched down when Sophie walked in carrying a stack of charts. "Lena, Adrian wants me to take over Leo's followups." The boy immediately shrank into my arms. "I don't want her…" Adrian appeared in the doorway behind her. His tone left no room for discussion. "Sophie needs a complete case file for her fellowship in New York. Leo's treatment has significant research value. She'll be handling his followup care going forward." Leo gripped my white coat and wouldn't let go. Adrian's expression hardened. "Leo, that's enough." "Dr. Grant will take good care of you." The boy froze. Then he burst into tears.

I held him close and whispered. "Dr. Grant will be with you too. Be good when you come back for checkups, okay? If you miss me, draw me a picture." Before the elevator doors closed, his little hand was still pressed against the glass, waving. I turned and walked into the restroom. Two years ago, during Leo's first emergency, I stayed at his bedside for sixteen straight hours. Adrian sat with me in the hallway afterward. He took my hand and tucked it into his coat pocket. "Lena, whatever you want to do, go do it." "No matter how far you go, I'll be right there with you." I believed those words for years. I splashed water on my face and went back to the ward. Sophie was standing in the doorway, clutching Leo's chart. "I know Leo's really attached to you. I'll take good care of his followups." I flipped open the chart. "Appointment schedule's on page one. Allergy records are in the back." She looked at me, voice small. "You don't blame me?" I shook my head. "Adrian gave you the case. You don't owe me an explanation." At noon, my mom Laura showed up with her latest test results. A few nurses were chatting in the break area about this year's fellowship nomination. They didn't notice her. "Dr. Bennett got screwed over. Her clinical scores and research record were the best in the department." "Isn't she getting married? Adrian already has her transferring to outpatient after the wedding." By the time I walked over, my mom's face had gone pale. "Lena, you're not going to New York?" "I am." I was about to explain when Adrian stepped out of the elevator, carrying the lowsugar oat cookies she liked. She didn't take them. "Adrian, did Lena give up that opportunity because of me?" Adrian glanced at me. "Laura, don't overthink it." "Lena staying in Boston is a good thing. Transferring to outpatient after the wedding will be easier on her. She'll have more time with you." My mom's eyes went red instantly. "I don't need her to stay for me." "She's been preparing for this for three years. Last Christmas she was still reviewing her materials. You should be telling her to go." "Mom, your results are normal. Go home." She blinked. "Then when are you leaving for New York?" "A few days." Adrian's face darkened immediately. "Laura, she's been emotional lately. We'll talk about this another time." My mom could tell something was wrong. She shoved the cookies back into his hands and left quickly. The second the elevator doors closed, Adrian grabbed my arm. "What the hell was that? Saying that in front of your mother?" "I'm going to New York. What part of that is out of line?" "Your slot already went to Sophie." "Is there only one hospital in America?" He faltered. "You applied somewhere else?" "Last night." Adrian tightened his grip. "Lena, enough." "Dr. Grant asked me to look after Sophie and her mother before he died. I can't just ignore them. Do you really have to start this right now?" Sophie's father, Michael Grant, had been Adrian's most important mentor during residency. When Adrian first started at the hospital, Michael helped him land his first research position. Michael was the one who recommended him into their current department. On his deathbed, he'd said only one thing to Adrian: "If Sophie and her mother ever need help, look out for them." All these years, Adrian carried that promise like a debt. "You can help her." I pried his fingers off my arm. "Don't use what's mine to do it." "It's one fellowship. You miss this year, you apply next year." "Why can't she wait?" "Her mother is sick. Her father's research is about to lose funding. She can't wait!" Sophie can't wait. So I can. "Lena." Sophie appeared in the doorway of a patient room. She was clutching a hospital admission form. "Please stop fighting." "I don't have to take the spot." Tears pooled in her eyes. "My dad's research — if it's gone, it's gone. Adrian, don't let me ruin your wedding." "Nobody's asking you to give it up." Adrian walked over and took the paperwork from her hands. "What did nephrology say?" "She needs to be admitted. My mom keeps crying. She says she doesn't want treatment anymore." Adrian immediately pulled out his phone to call the ward. Before he turned away, he glanced at me. "I need to take her over there." "I'll meet you at the apartment tonight." I said nothing. Sophie followed him a few steps, then looked back at me. There was guilt in her eyes. And relief. The apartment we'd planned to move into after the wedding was under Adrian's lease. I'd already canceled my own moving arrangements. That evening, I went over to collect my books and personal things. The living room was full of wedding favors, champagne, and invitations that hadn't been mailed. The suitcase I'd originally bought for New York stood in the corner, stuffed with wedding gift boxes. Adrian had given me that suitcase. He'd smiled when he handed it over. "When Dr. Bennett lands at some bigshot hospital, don't say I held you back." I pulled the wedding boxes out one by one and set them on the floor.

The door opened. Adrian walked in. His eyes swept the gift boxes scattered across the floor and his brow creased instantly. "Now what?" "Getting my suitcase." "It's a suitcase. Is this really necessary?" He bent down and started picking things up. Every motion sharp with barely contained anger. "Fine. Take it." "September sixteenth. Wedding's still on. Honeymoon gets pushed." "I need to get Sophie and her mom settled in New York. Sophie can't handle a sick parent and fellowship orientation alone." "Three days, tops. Won't affect the wedding." He picked up a crushed wedding favor and finally lost it. "So one career opportunity doesn't go your way and you're calling off the whole wedding?" "Lena, when did you become such a sore loser?" "Her father's dead. Her mother's falling apart." "You have a job. You have a home. You have me." "What the hell else do you need?" I didn't answer. I shoved the last few books into the suitcase. He kept going. "That entire bookshelf in the study is for you. Stop hauling things out every time you get upset." "You're thirty years old." I looked toward the study. The shelf had been installed. I hadn't even had the chance to put a single book on it. It was already stacked with wedding favors, champagne, and decorations. Nothing of mine was in there. And it didn't look like anything was missing. The next afternoon, the wedding planner sent over the final version of the ceremony program for approval. Adrian had added a segment about the Michael Grant Memorial Fund — without asking me. He was planning to read a tribute during our wedding. The planner said on the video call: "Adrian said you'd definitely be on board." I looked at the screen. "The wedding is canceled." "Deduct whatever's been spent per the contract. Refund the rest to the original payment account." Dead silence on the other end. After I hung up, I set the tablet facedown on the table. Sophie came out of the break room. "Adrian just wanted to honor my dad." "The charity fund is a good cause. You're really going to hold that against him too?" "Lena, I know you hate me." "But when my dad died, Adrian promised he'd look after me and my mom." "He's always treated me like family. You know that." "I know." "Then why do you turn every single thing he does for me into some kind of choice between us?" I looked at her. "Who told you I'm still waiting for him to choose?" That evening, Sophie was supposed to be on the night shift. Just past seven, the charge nurse told me to stay. "Sophie went with her mother for tests." "Adrian already swapped tonight's shift to you." In the department group chat, Adrian had posted thirty minutes earlier: [Sophie has a family emergency. Lena's covering tonight.] I called him directly. It rang for a long time before he picked up. A woman was crying in the background. "Make it quick." "Why did you put me on tonight's shift without asking?" "There are a lot of kids on the ward tonight. You have the most experience. I don't trust anyone else." "I have an interview in New York tomorrow afternoon." "Reschedule." "Why should I?" "If you walk out now, who covers?" "And what about the wedding? Lena, read the room." Adrian dropped his voice. "Sophie's mother was just diagnosed with renal failure. She's completely breaking down. Can you stop keeping score for one day?" "No." "Then don't cover the shift!" "If there's a staffing problem tonight, you can explain it to the chief yourself." He hung up. I looked at the ward full of children. And put my white coat back on. At three a.m., an email came in from the hospital in New York. My résumé had passed the initial screening. The interview was scheduled for that afternoon. I could only reply: [Is it possible to push back one day?] After sending it, I submitted my resignation to the department chief. At dawn, Sophie walked in carrying breakfast. "Lena, thank you for last night." I looked at her. "From now on, find your own coverage." Her face went tight. "It was one night. Do you have to be this hostile?" "My mom is sick." "If you can't come in, file for emergency leave. Whoever covers for you and who arranges it — take it up with them." "Adrian's running the schedule this week. He has every right to make adjustments." "Then go thank him." I walked past her. Behind me, coffee splashed across the floor. Sophie crouched there, eyes already red. Adrian arrived just as I was taking off my white coat. He didn't look at me first. He bent down and pulled Sophie to her feet. "Did it burn you?" Sophie blinked back tears. "Lena was up all night. She's in a bad mood." Adrian finally turned to me. "Apologize." "I didn't touch her." "You know what you said." "I told her to handle her own shift coverage. That's it." "Over that?" "Yes." He laughed — a short, humorless sound. His eyes were full of disappointment. "How did I never notice you had so little empathy?" That sentence hit harder than an entire sleepless night.