You Gave Her the Crystal, I Sailed the Autumn Wind Alone

After the first time was over, my best friend Lola crawled out from under the bed, picked up the ultra-thin condom beside the trash can, shook it at me, and tossed it back in. "Little Tania, congratulations on going from a girl to a woman!" I was shocked and mortified. I frantically grabbed the sheet to cover myself. Thinking about how my first time had been overheard from start to finish, I shrank into the corner, so shaken my teeth were chattering. "You—you two..." Leonard gently rubbed my head to soothe me and began to explain: "Lola said she's your best friend, and she absolutely had to be the first to congratulate you on this irreplaceable moment when you went from a girl to a woman." "You know how she is—she never gives up until she gets what she wants. She wore me down so much I couldn't have gotten anything done unless I said yes." Lola planted her hands on her hips, put out, and cut in. "That's only part of it. The main thing is, I wanted to be a 'human lie detector' for little Tania. From your breathing and how you performed in bed, I could tell whether you really love little Tania that much." Leonard asked, curious: "Oh? So how did I do? Did I satisfy Miss Simmons?" "Hehe, how could one test be accurate? You'd have to test a few more times to know for sure." The two of them carried on as if no one else were there. No one noticed my hand reach for the fruit knife in the fruit bowl on the nightstand. This was impossible. It had to be a dream. My mind, under the enormous shock, began to drift, and everything in front of me felt fake. I couldn't believe that my best friend and the boyfriend I loved most would plan it out together—one in the bed, one under it—to end my innocence in the cruelest way possible. The laughter went on in my ears. Dreams don't hurt. In a daze, I reached out and picked up the fruit knife, gripped the handle, aimed it at my wrist, and without hesitation slashed down hard. The instant the blade broke the skin, beads of blood came surging out, one after another. They ran down my wrist bone onto the white sheet, a spreading patch of dark red. Lola, who had been laughing so hard she could barely straighten up, looked up—and her expression froze. Only then did Leonard turn to look. I lowered my head, staring at the split-open wound, and murmured in a daze, as if sleepwalking: "So it's not a dream." "It hurts so much." I stared blankly at the two of them rushing toward me, as if I were looking at two strangers. Lola grabbed Leonard first. "Don't touch her." "But Tania's bleeding a lot." Lola planted herself in front of Leonard, her tone calm yet stubborn: "I read an article that said a lot of women get a feeling of detachment after their first time, like their bodies don't belong to them. That's what's happening to Tania right now—she wants to use this to regain her sense of control over herself." "If you touch her right now, it'll only make her lose even more control over herself, and she'll try to take that control back in an even more extreme way." Lola laid it all out, point by point. Leonard drew his hand back, trusting her without a shred of doubt. "Then... what should we do now?" Lola spoke with certainty: "We should be understanding with Tania. If she wants to do it this way, we won't disturb her—we'll give her enough time and space to slowly take back control on her own." "Leonard, let's go eat first. After going at it that long, you must be starving. I booked us a restaurant—really classy."

Leonard was silent for a few seconds. Lola coaxed him in a light, easy tone: "Tania and I have been best friends since we were five and a half. Nobody knows her better than I do." "Trust me, it's fine. Don't worry, she's not a child anymore, she's twenty-one. She's not going to actually bleed to death." As she coaxed him, Lola tugged at Leonard's sleeve and drew him toward the door. I wanted to call them back. To say, that's not how it is, I didn't cut my wrist on purpose. To say, I'm in so much pain, I'm so dizzy, I feel like I'm dying. But the blood loss had left me so weak my vocal cords couldn't make a sound, and I couldn't even move a finger. Driven by the instinct to survive, my lips kept trembling, straining, just a little more and I could scream it out. But the words "Don't go, save me" were smothered by the click of the door closing. My body felt like it had been filled with lead. The blood on the bed was still silently spreading, soaking outward. I could clearly feel the warmth draining from my body bit by bit, my whole self wrapped in a chill, shivering beyond my control. My eyes stayed locked on the tightly shut door. They had just left me here like this. Despair hurt more than fear did—hurt so much that for one instant I even thought, if it hurts this much, I'd rather be dead. My body toppled over. The phone on the bed recognized my face and lit up in a flash. The screen was still on the group chat for our little circle. Right now it was buzzing, new messages popping up one after another. With the last of my strength, I pressed the tip of my tongue to the roof of my mouth and dragged my cheek toward the screen. If I could just reach that green microphone button, even one press, even if no sound came out. Someone would always come. The screen flickered. I hadn't touched the microphone. The group chat started playing voice messages. Lola's voice came out, crisp and laughing, sharing it gleefully: I came out from under the bed, and you should've seen Tania's face—she just froze solid, hahahaha, that's good for a year of laughs. That whole space under the bed was full of dust. I was lying there for over two hours, my back's about to snap, but it was worth it—I got to witness Tania's most beautiful moment in full bloom. Leonard's rubbing my back for me right now. A friend in the group asked about me. Lola said, totally indifferent: Tania? She's fine, she's just a little girl who can't quite handle suddenly becoming a woman, she's working through it herself. The group had not only my friends but also my own younger brother, Les Sullivan. His booming voice blasted out of the receiver. Lola, I really put you through it, having to lie under a bed that long for my sister's sake. She went way too far, doesn't appreciate how much you care, and turns around and gets all dramatic, actually thinks she's some kind of princess. If you ask me, it's you and Leonard who spoiled her rotten. Sometimes I really wish I didn't have this sister. If you were my sister, Lola, that'd be great. The voice messages on the phone kept playing automatically, one after another. But those sounds felt farther and farther away to me. My eyelids were so heavy. This world was so cold, cold enough that I didn't want to wake up again. By the time the hotel staff found me, I had already gone into shock. While waiting for the ambulance, the hotel found Leonard's phone number from the room booking. But it was Lola who answered. When she was told I'd lost too much blood and was unconscious. Lola cupped the receiver and stepped outside the dining room: "No way? How could she pass out from a little blood? She bleeds four or five days every single month and she's perfectly fine, isn't she?" The hotel staff member paused for a second, then their tone grew more serious: "Ma'am, the wound is deep, and the blood loss has already reached a dangerous level..." "Dangerous? You've probably been fooled by her. I'm her best friend. She's been like this since she was little, loves to put on a show, and she always picks the moments with lots of people around, special days and occasions, dying to be the center of attention." "Ma'am, your friend really is..." "Okay, okay, enough. You're just scared of being held responsible and having to front the money, aren't you? As her friend, I'll give you a waiver. Whatever happens to Tania Sullivan, it has nothing to do with the hotel, all right? As for the money, there's an ICBC card in her bag. The PIN is our best-friend date, 110321." "Don't call this number again."

Lola didn't give the hotel staff a chance to say another word. She just hung up and blocked the number. Back to the restaurant. Leonard had already come out of the restroom, and he noticed that Lola was returning from outside holding the phone he'd left on the table. "Did someone call me?" "No. I got a craving for a cigarette, so I went out for a smoke. I was worried you'd lose your phone, so I just took it out with me." Leonard, suspecting nothing, took the phone. Just as he was about to open it, Lola pressed his hand down. "Come on, really? You can't go one meal without checking your phone? Does the world stop turning without you?" "I'm the one who helped you win Tania over, and this is how you repay me? You value romance over friendship! We're through!" Lola pushed her chair back and stood up, pretending to leave. Leonard caught up with her in a few steps. "I was wrong, I was wrong, I'm sorry. From now on, I'll leave my phone with you. Whenever you say I can check it, that's when I'll turn it on." "We said friends for life. Why bring up ending it? It hurts." To make Lola happy. Leonard cleared out the restaurant and booked the whole place. Back then, it was right across from this restaurant. Leonard and I each had a piece of grilled corn in our hands. Sitting on the edge of a flower bed. I watched with envy as, beneath the exquisite, dazzling crystal chandelier, a man and woman celebrated a successful proposal. I couldn't help fantasizing, and, blushing, I hinted: "Hey... Leonard, if you proposed to me somewhere like that, I'd definitely say yes." He only lifted his eyelids at that, then looked away, his tone rational and calm. "Booking out a whole place is such a stupid thing to do. Spend money just for that kind of show? I couldn't do it." "Flashy and useless. I don't like it. Tania, be practical, and stop chasing dreams that don't suit you." And now. Without even blinking, he paid for the entire place and cleared everyone out, wrapped his arm around Lola's waist, and danced a waltz under the crystal chandelier, building the dream for her with his own hands. Every now and then they'd laugh softly and whisper together. Outside the floor-to-ceiling windows, young couples passing by stopped to look in. After Leonard and I made our relationship official freshman year, we became video creators to give what we had a more solid future. I poured all my spare time into it. With dedication and persistence, and catching the right trend on top of it, in just half a year the account topped ten million followers, and our income leapt us into a whole new class. He got rich, but he changed too. Leonard had too much to drink. As Lola walked him inside on her arm, he dimly recognized that it was her rented apartment. "Why did you bring me here?" He shook his head, tried to straighten up, and stepped back twice. Lola shot Leonard a look. "You drank so much, you reek! Tania hates men who stink of alcohol. Sending you back to her like this would hurt your relationship and wreck your image in Tania's eyes." "I can't take the blame for that. But, heh heh, I don't mind that you smell. Stay here and rough it for the night, and tomorrow morning the two of us will get all cleaned up and go find Tania." Leonard thought that made sense. He bent his head, tugged up his shirt collar, and sniffed it. "Does it smell? Where does it smell? I think it's fine." Lola came over, all giggles, first circling around Leonard like a puppy. Then, nose twitching, she leaned in close to his collar and sniffed. "It's okay here." She worked her way down from the collar. His chest, his stomach, his upper thighs... Her nose almost touching the thin fabric of his pants, she sniffed.

Leonard, whose mind was still foggy, jolted as if he'd been shocked, snapping partway back to his senses. He abruptly reached out, gripped Lola's head, and pushed her away. His voice cracked out of tune: "Cut it out." The air went still for a moment. Lola stayed on her knees, her face flushing red, then going pale. With a trace of sullen, unwilling resentment, she gave herself a way out. "I was just helping you sniff out where the smell was coming from. If you don't want it, fine—no good deed goes unpunished." Leonard didn't call her out. He looked away. "Where's the guest room?" Lola pointed to the second bedroom, her nails digging into her palms. Late that night. Leonard shot bolt upright in bed. His back was drenched in cold sweat. He was gasping for breath. His heart pounded violently in his chest. He'd dreamed that the girl he loved was dead, and no matter how he called out to her, no matter how he kissed her, she would never open her eyes again, never carry a living person's warmth again. And that river of blood in his dream—so red that even now a bloody haze seemed to hang over his eyes, and he couldn't focus. Leonard leaned back against the headboard and breathed deeply to settle himself. At last the wave of palpitations passed. He turned his head and glanced out the window. Three-thirty in the morning. Still early. Thinking that the girl at the hotel must be fast asleep by now, Leonard forced down the urge to go straight back and lay down again. But he couldn't shut his eyes anymore. One thought turned over and over in his mind. The moment it got light, he'd go straight back. While he waited for dawn, Leonard typed on his phone for two hours. A thousand-word little essay. A love letter he'd written. He wrote: Qingqing, the first time I saw you, you were on the fourth floor of the school library, in the seat by the window. After that, every time I went to the library, I'd catch myself looking over there. If you were there, I was so happy; if you weren't, I could feel down all day. From school uniforms to a wedding dress—that was the promise I once made you. Now I want to add one more line to that promise: from wedding dress to the grave. Qingqing, my love for you follows you through life and death. Today is our 521st day together, and the day we finally belong to each other completely. Yet right now I'm filled with dread. I already have you—so why do I feel like I'm about to lose you? You'll laugh at me, I know. Wait for me. I'll be right there in front of you soon. ... Leonard solemnly saved his most fervent love into his notes app. He read it over twice more. Only then did he set the phone on the sink and turn on the shower. He wanted to go see his girl clean and fresh. Hot water poured down over his head. A faint stinging came from somewhere on his back. Not sharp, but impossible to ignore. Leonard froze for a second, then remembered. Yesterday, at the hotel. Qingqing curled beneath him, biting her lip, brow furrowed, her eyes red from the pain—yet she still let him keep going, her fingers unconsciously clutching at his back, leaving these scratches. And after that? After that, Lola suddenly crawled out from under the bed. Qingqing screamed and, humiliated, shrank into the corner, her whole body visibly trembling. Remembering that scene. Leonard felt a sudden stab of pain in his chest. He slapped himself hard across the face in front of the mirror. How could he have lost his head like that, agreeing to let Lola hide under the bed? He really had been out of his mind. Actually believing Lola's garbage about being a "human lie detector," thinking it could prove her innocence and love to Qingqing. The belated regret nearly drowned him. Leonard felt like he was about to suffocate. If he never saw Qingqing again, he had no doubt he really would suffocate to death. Leonard didn't bother to dry his hair. With his head still dripping wet, he took the stairs two at a time and rushed down.

Lola heard the commotion and called his name from behind, but Leonard ignored her. When he tried to flag down a taxi, Leonard was nearly hit by one. But all his mind could hold was the image of Tania trembling in a sea of blood. The hotel building finally came into view. As he ran up the steps, Leonard's right foot suddenly stopped. In the cracks of the steps was another dark brown mark, winding along in scattered little specks. There were messy shoe prints nearby too. Leonard stared at the bloodstains, gone black now, and his throat bobbed hard. He tried to comfort himself. Maybe it was red wine. Maybe it was a fresh steak. Maybe someone had tripped and fallen. In any case, it couldn't be... But for all his thinking, he didn't calm down at all. His unease only grew stronger. Leonard swallowed and pushed open the revolving door. The lobby was cool, the smell of cleaning solution mixed with a faint trace of disinfectant. Silently telling everyone what had happened here the day before. In a daze, Leonard got into the elevator and rode up. Standing at the door of the room, his fingertips trembled slightly. With a beep, the door opened. Leonard strode inside, his eyes going wide. The room was spotless. The sheets were snow-white, laid out perfectly flat. No Tania lying there asleep. No blood-soaked sheets. As if no one had ever been here. He stood in the room, turning his head blankly. He saw the cleaning lady pushing her cart past the doorway, and his voice came out faint: "Where's the person from 1502?" The cleaning lady sighed with pity. "Oh! Poor thing, so young. Do you know her?" "I heard that when they carried her out last night, her pupils were already dilated. She wasn't moving at all. I didn't dare look for long." "Young man, if the pupils are dilated, doesn't that mean there's no saving her? She must be dead by now."