I'm Done Chasing After You

When the bullet train tickets to Kellmore went on sale, Elaine Hartwell did what she always did and booked two, one for herself and one for Bradley Collier. She turned to me once the order went through. "Leo, did you get your ticket yet?" I froze for a moment. On the screen, her seat and Bradley's were right next to each other. By the time I checked, the only seats left on that train were in the next carriage. I stared at the seat number and almost laughed, as something inside me clicked. From weekend trips out of Portmill to college move-in day, it was always the same. The three of us traveled together, but they were always a pair, and I was always the one trailing behind. Not long after, Bradley sent a rental agreement in our group chat. The co-tenants line listed his name and Elaine's. He tagged me with a grin. [Leo, Elaine figured the dorms would make more sense for you. [You can come over to our place for dinner on weekends.] "Our place." The words pricked at my chest like something small and sharp. So even before college had started, I had already been written out of their future. Elaine messaged me privately. [Don't overthink things. [Bradley's living off campus alone and no one's looking after him. I'm just keeping an eye on him for his parents. [Don't throw a tantrum over something this small.] I stared at those last three words, then slowly opened the admissions portal. My acceptance page for Alderton University was still sitting there. I closed it and pulled up the late-enrollment page for Pennington University instead. This time, I did not pursue their train, and I did not pursue Elaine's life anymore, either. Chapter 1 The paperwork for Alderton University was already filled out, but canceling my enrollment still required a trip to Kellmore in person. The station was packed the day the train departed. Elaine Hartwell and Bradley Collier sat side by side, one car ahead of mine. They had promised to help me with my luggage before we left, but once we got through the gates, they went straight to their seats and got settled. The two of them got his suitcase onto the overhead rack without a second thought. I was one car back, dragging two heavy suitcases through the aisle by myself. The aisle was narrow, and people kept grumbling as I squeezed past. I texted them and asked them to come help. She did not reply for ten minutes. [Bradley gets motion sick. He just fell asleep. [My mom specifically told me to look after him during the trip. I can't just leave him.] I stared at the screen, my hands and feet going cold. In the end, I tried to heave the suitcase up myself. It was too heavy. Halfway up, my wrist gave out and the suitcase came crashing back down, sending a jolt of numbness through my entire arm. A stranger next to me reacted fast and caught it before it hit anyone. I thanked him over and over. A minute later, Bradley posted a photo in our group chat. In the picture, he was leaning back in his seat while Elaine handed him an open water bottle. On the tray table sat a box of motion sickness pills. That box was the one I had tucked into her bag that morning, just in case I felt sick on the ride. I tagged her in the chat. [Can you bring me one of those pills? I'm not feeling great.] Two minutes later, she messaged me privately. [Since when do you get motion sickness? [Just drink some water.] I turned off my phone and stared out the window. The ache in my chest grew with every bump of the train. Halfway through the trip, a drunk man took the seat next to me. He reeked of alcohol, sprawled into the aisle, and kept kicking my suitcase. Eventually he started yanking at the handle, muttering and swearing the whole time. I did not want to start something with a drunk, so I called Elaine. The first time, there was no answer. The second time, she hung up. A text came through right after. [Bradley just fell asleep. Stop it.] Stop it? Those two words hit like a bucket of ice water. In the end, a train attendant noticed the situation during a routine check and moved me to another seat. It was late at night by the time we arrived in Kellmore. Elaine got off first, hand in hand with Bradley. I watched their fingers intertwine and suddenly thought of the night we graduated senior year. The breeze had been gentle that evening. She had held my hand just like that, standing on the school rooftop, and whispered, "Leo, once we're settled in Kellmore, we'll make it official." She and I had been close since junior year. Everyone assumed it was only a matter of time before we went public. However, she was now holding someone else's hand, and she did not even look back. Without turning around, she called out to me. "There's a problem with Bradley's apartment key. I'm heading over with him to sort it out. Just grab a cab to campus on your own." She flagged down a taxi with Bradley and was gone before I could say a word. I stood in the cold with my two suitcases and waited half an hour before I could get a ride. It was pitch black out. The driver did not know the area well and took a wrong turn, and the streets grew darker and more deserted by the minute. I texted Elaine and sent her my route so she would know where I was, but the messages went unanswered. It was not until my resident advisor realized I had not checked in and sent two upperclassmen to find me that I finally made it to the temporary dorms. My phone was down to its last one percent when her message finally came through. [Let me know when you get there. Don't make people worry.] Chapter 2 I stared at the message of belated concern and felt a sudden wave of irony wash over me. A second later, a new email popped up. [Pennington University preliminary review for late enrollment: Approved.] I stared at the line that read "continue application" for a long time. Then I clicked confirm. The next morning, Elaine sent me a message. [Come over and have a meal with us.] My enrollment documents and ID copies were still in her suitcase. I needed them to withdraw from Alderton and submit my Pennington application, so I had no choice but to go to their apartment. Elaine answered the door. She stood in the doorway and typed in the keypad code without even bothering to block the screen. The keypad beeped as each digit registered. I recognized those six digits as Bradley's birthday. I thought of graduation night, when she had told me that once we had our own place in Kellmore, the door code would be the day we got together. However, now the living room was full of new furniture, everything clean and put together like a real home. The desk by the window was the exact style I had always wanted, but it was Bradley's now, covered in his headphones, gaming console, cologne, and instant camera. The fridge was plastered with sticky notes, all in Elaine's handwriting. [Bradley doesn't eat green onions. [Bradley has a sensitive stomach. Go easy on the spice. [Bradley comes home late. Leave the hall light on.] I pointed at them and asked, "Where do I fit into any of this?" Elaine paused. "My parents rented this place for Bradley ahead of time. "He grew up without anyone really looking after him, and he doesn't know Kellmore at all. I'm just staying here to keep an eye on things for now. "You're welcome here too, of course. It's just that Bradley's got a lot going on lately, so give us a heads-up before you come by." Give us a heads-up? I asked, "What about me? "I'm alone in a dorm on the other side of the city. I don't know anyone, I don't know my way around. You're not the least bit worried about whether I'm managing, or whether I even packed enough?" Elaine frowned. "You're a grown man who's always taken care of himself. You've got roommates and an RA in the dorm. What could possibly go wrong? "Bradley's different. He's never had parents around. Nobody ever taught him how to handle things. "Leo, you really need to stop keeping score." I could not find the words to respond. Bradley was our high school classmate and the son of a family close to the Hartwells. His parents had died in an accident when he was young, and the Hartwells had looked after him ever since. Elaine's parents treated him like a second son. Every time Elaine had dropped me for Bradley in the past, the explanation was always the same. "Bradley has no parents. He has nobody. Just cut him some slack, okay?" At first, I felt sorry for him too, but standing there at that moment, I finally understood. His tragedy had long since become Elaine's excuse to ignore and neglect me, again and again. When she was done talking, she pulled out a spare key right in front of me and tucked it into Bradley's bag. "You've got so much stuff floating around. Better keep an extra house key in your bag." I stood there like an uninvited guest. At lunch, the smell of something spicy drifted from the kitchen. Bradley shifted on the couch and made a face. "My stomach can't handle spicy food." Elaine turned to me immediately. "Leo, let's keep it mild today, okay? I'll make something spicy just for you another time." I remembered all the times we used to eat together. She would watch me tear up from the heat and laugh, then wipe the sweat off my forehead with a napkin and say I was crazy for loving it so much. She used to joke that someday she would buy herself a pair of safety goggles and cook an entire table of nothing but spicy dishes for her Leo. Back then, no matter what happened, she would find a way to weave us into some picture of the future. Now, I had been cut out of that picture entirely. That evening, the power tripped in the old building. The apartment went pitch black. Bradley flinched and grabbed Elaine's arm. "Elaine, don't move yet. I can't see anything." Elaine murmured, "It's okay. I'm right here." Meanwhile, I was in the kitchen, feeling my way through the dark, picking up the pieces of a broken bowl. A shard sliced across my finger and blood welled up instantly. In the living room, the two of them spoke to each other in low, reassuring voices. Neither of them looked back. When I was about to leave, I asked for my documents, so Elaine unzipped her suitcase. Everything of mine was crumpled at the very bottom. Bradley's medical forms, rental agreement, and campus map were neatly organized in a clear folder right on top. I pulled out my things and left without a word. Back in the temporary dorm, I opened the Pennington system and uploaded every last piece of my late-enrollment application. Chapter 3 The day I went to Alderton to process my withdrawal, the cut on my hand had still not healed. Elaine, who had promised to come with me, dropped me again without hesitation because there was an issue with Bradley's registration materials. Even though I was used to it by now, the message still left a dull ache in my chest. However, then I thought, maybe it was better this way. I had already decided to walk away from their lives. I dragged my luggage to the queue by myself. The freshman volunteer at the check-in desk glanced at my name and paused. "You're Leo Chambers?" He grinned. "Bradley just mentioned you. He said you went to high school together and that you'd probably be coming around to their place on weekends for meals. "He also said he hoped the RA wouldn't be too strict about curfew. "Those two really are a perfect match, by the way. Alderton's about to have its own campus power couple." Classmate. Their place. Couple. Those words sank in like needles, and I could not speak for a long time. At noon, a new post from Bradley appeared on my feed. He was standing in front of the Alderton gates. Elaine stood beside him, holding two coffees and a stack of papers. The caption read, [First day in Kellmore with Elaine. We've both got a new home now.] The comments were full of classmates egging them on. [Is this the official announcement?] [So where does that leave Leo Chambers?] [I mean, the childhood friend always wins in the end, right?] Elaine did not deny any of it. If it had been about me, she probably would have jumped in immediately, saying things like, "Leo and I are just friends. Don't get the wrong idea." A downpour hit out of nowhere while I was inside the administration building. My luggage and documents were still outside under a temporary canopy at the check-in area. I texted Elaine and asked if she could push my things into the main hall. She replied, [There's an issue with Bradley's physical exam form. [I need to go with him to get it sorted out. [Your suitcase is waterproof. It'll be fine.] By the time I ran through the rain to get there, my suitcase was soaked through and most of my papers were ruined. I gathered up the documents, but my foot slipped as I stood and I hit the edge of the steps hard. The scab on the back of my hand split open and blood ran down my skin, mixing with the rain. My vision blurred and it took me a long time to get back on my feet. The resident advisor happened to walk by and pulled me into the main hall. She flipped through what was left of my papers and asked, "Can you talk? I'm going to call your emergency contact. Did she come with you for check-in?" The call went to Elaine. The first call went unanswered. The second time, she hung up. When I had filled out the freshman system, it was Elaine who had insisted I put her down as my emergency contact. She had taken my phone, typed in her number, and said, "From now on, if anything happens to you in Kellmore, the school calls me first." I had believed her. The advisor went quiet for a few seconds, then looked at me. "I can't reach her. Take a breather, and once the rain lets up, I'll take you to the campus clinic." Half an hour later, Elaine finally showed up, carrying a set of bedding that Bradley had just picked up from the supply office. She saw the state I was in and frowned. "Why is it always something with you, Leo?" Bradley glanced at me. "Sorry. I held Elaine up." Elaine cut in immediately. "It's not your fault." The advisor had seen enough. "Is this student your boyfriend? He was out of it for quite a while. "If you signed up as his emergency contact, that means something. You don't get to show up late and then make him feel bad about it." I looked up at Elaine. For just a second, I wanted to ask. Were we ever actually going to be together? However, the thought collapsed the moment it formed. The answer was already obvious. That night, I reprinted every water-damaged Pennington document and clipped them together, page by page. Just as I slid the last sheet into the folder, an email from Pennington came through. [Late-enrollment review: Approved. Please complete final confirmation and in-person verification within three days.] I booked a flight to Westport. The night before I left, the Alderton freshman group chat blew up. Someone had screenshotted Bradley's post and shared it on the campus forum, gushing about the picture-perfect new couple that had just enrolled. I stared at the wall of congratulations and well-wishes in the comments, my fingertips trembling. I was still not ready to let go. I could not accept that all those memories, everything we had shared, had only ever been real to me. In the end, I left one comment under that campus forum post. [Don't get the wrong idea. She has a boyfriend.] Chapter 4 It was the first time I had ever stood up for myself in front of anyone and demanded to be acknowledged. There was still time. If Elaine would just say one thing in my defense, I could give her one more chance. It did not take long before my comment was screenshotted too. The campus forum post had a headline that made my stomach drop. [Freshman couple living together? The real boyfriend shows up? Who's the third wheel here?] The comment section exploded. [She has a boyfriend and she's living with another guy? Doesn't that make Bradley the other man?] [Come on, I saw Elaine and Bradley at freshman check-in. They looked like a couple to me.] [I went to the same high school. I definitely saw Elaine and Leo going on dates all the time.] [I heard Bradley lost his parents young and the Hartwell family basically raised him.] [Losing your parents doesn't mean you get to ignore boundaries. The girl has a boyfriend and he's still moving in with her?] Bradley posted a lengthy response in the group chat not long after. He said he was only staying there temporarily and that Elaine was looking after him out of respect for their families' long history. He said losing his parents had been hard enough, and he never expected to start college being labeled a homewrecker. He also said that if I had a problem with it, he was willing to move out and keep his distance from Elaine. The post kept spreading. People in the department group chat were talking about it too. The next morning, the resident advisor called all three of us into her office. She set her phone on the desk, the screen still showing the viral post. "This has already made its way to the department group chat. "Normally I wouldn't get involved in students' personal lives, but there's a conduct review going on right now, and you're all brand-new students. This kind of attention is not a good look. We need to clear it up." She asked Elaine whether the living arrangement was real. Then she asked me what I had meant by calling myself her boyfriend. The office went quiet. I looked at Elaine. All she had to do was say I was her boyfriend, and it would all be over. But she said nothing for a long time. Then she took out her phone and pulled up old messages where I had asked her if we were together. She only showed the parts where I was the one reaching out. She left out every message where she had said we would make it official once we got to Kellmore. "Ma'am, Leo has had feelings for me for a long time, but I never formally agreed to be with him. He and I were never in a relationship." "Bradley isn't a third party. He and I are the ones who are actually together." I could not move. Every cautious, careful piece of affection I had ever offered her had just been twisted into evidence that I was the one who would not let go. Bradley looked uncomfortable. "I just started school. I can't have people thinking I broke up someone's relationship." Elaine responded immediately. "Bradley would never do something like that." Then she lowered her voice and turned to me. "Leo, just apologize to Bradley first." I stared at her. "For what?" "His reputation can't take a hit like this. He's already been through enough without parents. "You know I don't mean it that way. Just don't put him in an awkward position right now." I asked her, "So from your perspective, I was never your boyfriend?" Elaine's throat tightened. Bradley reached over and placed his hand on hers, signaling her to stop. She closed her eyes. "At the very least, not right now." At that moment, I heard something inside me break for good. It was not loud, just a quiet snap. However, it was the kind of thing that could never be put back together. I stood there for a long time. Then I turned to Bradley. "I'm sorry." Everyone in the room exhaled, but only I knew what I was really apologizing for. It was not about the misunderstanding. I was apologizing to the version of myself who had spent all this time believing he was loved. I did not explain anything after I walked out. I opened the final confirmation page for Pennington's late enrollment. [Do you confirm your enrollment at Pennington University?] I stared at it for a long time. Then I pressed confirm. When the submission confirmation appeared on the screen, I finally swallowed the tears back down. Elaine did not come after me. I looked back once, and she was still in the office, speaking to Bradley in a low voice. She probably assumed I would do what I always did, wait outside while she finished dealing with Bradley, then accept whatever scraps of an explanation she felt like offering. That evening, she finally came to the dorm building to look for me. Her messages had gone unanswered for hours. She tried asking a student passing by to relay a message, only to realize she did not even know my room number. With no other choice, she went to the building manager. He checked the records and said, "Leo Chambers checked out this afternoon. He took all his luggage with him too." The color drained from Elaine's face. "What?" A freshman volunteer happened to walk by and answered without thinking. "He's transferring to Pennington. "He came in today just to process the checkout. Weren't you guys high school classmates? How'd you miss that?"