Only in Death Is Freedom

My family said I was the devil. My younger sister, Fannie, was supposedly born psychic. She claimed she could see filthy black auras clinging to people. So every week when I came home from school, my mother, Emily, would take my phone right on schedule. Then she’d read every single one of my conversations out loud to the entire family. They called it “Jessica’s Dirty Diary.” Later, Fannie got reprimanded by a teacher for going around school telling everyone she was psychic. Emily was furious. “What do they know? Fannie is a psychic prodigy.” And because Fannie insisted I was filthy, Emily scrubbed my body with steel wool every single day. She said it was the only way to drive the demon out of me. She scrubbed until the water ran bright red with blood. My mental state got worse and worse. So did my grades. But Emily only grew more excited. She believed the demon possessing me was finally getting weaker. “Your grades are dropping because you’ve been screwing around with men! That demon seduced you and turned you into a slut.” “Tell me. Who’s the man you’ve been sleeping with?” She ignored my desperate pleas, confiscated my phone, and locked me inside the house. It wasn’t until my teacher came to check on me that Emily suddenly pretended to be a loving mother. I stood under my family’s scrutinizing stares like a puppet with no soul. Then, without warning, I laughed. For the first time, I admitted that Fannie had been right. “Mom, you’re right. I’m a demon. I sleep around. I’m a slut.” ... Slap! The blow snapped my face to the side. Emily grabbed me by the hair, her voice shaking with rage. “Who’s the man who dragged you into this depravity?” My father watched everything unfold. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Something complicated flickered through Fannie’s eyes. My heart felt like it had been ripped apart. The tiny spark of courage I’d finally found vanished again. “Come on, say it. Weren’t you acting so tough just now?” “You filthy demon possessing my daughter’s body. Or maybe you were born this way.” She yanked my collar open. My bra was exposed. That only made Emily angrier. “And you still claim you’re innocent? Look at this disgusting thing you’re wearing!” It was white lace. The kind of bra that had recently become popular among girls at my high school. Fannie owned the exact same one. Emily had seen hers before. Back then, she’d only smiled and praised her. “Fannie has such good taste. That’s my girl.” The doorbell suddenly rang. My teacher, Linda, stood outside, worry filling her eyes. Emily had told the school I was sick, so Linda had come to check on me. “Linda, Fannie told me Jessica has been dating someone at school. Is that true? As her mother, I’m worried she might get taken advantage of.” In public, Emily had always played the perfect mother. Meanwhile, I was dragged back into my room. No one could see what I looked like. “Emily, I think there’s been a misunderstanding. Jessica has always been a very well-behaved student. She’s never done anything like what you described.” But Emily laughed. It was a dismissive little laugh. The kind that said everyone else had been fooled by me. “Linda, you don’t understand. She’s been different ever since she was little. She’s a devil.” “She steals Fannie’s hair clips. She steals her dresses. She wears revealing clothes.” When Fannie asked to borrow my clothes and I said no, apparently that meant I had stolen from her. When Fannie ripped a hair clip out of my hair and I took it back, apparently that meant I had stolen from her too. I heard Emily’s words and tried to go out and explain. But the door had already been locked. Emily wiped away a few tears. “As her mother, it breaks my heart that she would do things like this.” “But Jessica has always been a good kid. Is it possible there’s been some kind of misunderstanding?” “She’s very good at pretending. The neighbors can prove it. She even lied before and claimed I hit her.” Right then, a neighbor walked over. She spoke with absolute certainty. “Don’t accuse Emily. Jessica is a lying little devil.” Linda eventually left. Under those circumstances, there wasn’t much else she could do. After all, everyone saw Emily as a wonderful mother. Emily came into my room and ripped apart my books. I threw myself at her, trying to stop her. “Let go! I still have school!” “Until you tell me the truth, you’re not going back!” “Mom, I’m graduating soon. Please...” She took everything anyway. I collapsed onto the floor. A phone pointed at me. Recording me at my absolute worst. “This is what you deserve.” Fannie uploaded my pictures to a private website and made a lot of money off them. Then she lied to Emily and said I had posted them myself. And every time she did, I was punished again. “Who told you to develop like this? Your breasts are practically hanging out. It’s disgusting.” “And you’re posting pictures of yourself for anyone to see?” She scoffed, then barked at me. “Put some muscle into it! Stop trying to slack off!” Numbly, I gripped the steel wool and slammed it against my chest. With a single stroke, the scabbed wounds tore open again. I curled in on myself from the pain. In the past, I would always end up sobbing uncontrollably. But this time, something strange happened. I became almost addicted to it. I scrubbed harder. Harder and harder. So hard that even Emily, who always complained that I was too gentle, finally slapped the steel wool out of my hand. “That’s enough. Stop putting on some pathetic show.” “You need to understand that I’m doing this for your own good. If I don’t do this, how am I supposed to exorcise you?” Emily had taken me to pastors before. Every single one of them had said there was no demon inside me. Only Fannie insisted she could see black light surrounding me. After that, my mother stopped believing anyone else. She insisted on exorcising me in her own way. She stood over me, staring down as the corner of her mouth twitched. I said nothing. I only stared at the red water.

The door suddenly opened. I lifted my bloodless face. Fannie froze for a moment when she saw me. Something flickered in her eyes, but disappeared almost immediately. “Is there still black around her?” “Yes.” The moment Fannie answered with certainty, Emily’s eyes turned red. She broke down and rushed at me, hitting me over and over. “You demon! When are you going to leave my daughter’s body?” Her slaps rained down on me. I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. I only lowered my head and waited until her anger finally faded. Fannie walked away whistling. Then she locked the bathroom door again. By the time I was finally allowed out, there was barely a patch of uninjured skin left on my body. When I pushed open my bedroom door, Fannie was reading my diary. She jumped in surprise. The diary slipped from her hands and hit the floor. Her embarrassment instantly turned into anger. “Why did you scare me on purpose?” “Get out.” She rolled her eyes at me and kicked the notebook hard enough to send it flying into the wall. But halfway to the door, unwillingness flashed across her face. “How come you and Ethan haven’t been talking lately?” I paused. When I looked up, something unnatural flickered in Fannie’s eyes. The three of us had grown up together. Ethan and I were the same age, so we always had endless things to talk about. Fannie was two years younger. Most of the time, she couldn’t really join our conversations. “Who said you could stare at me?” Maybe she was afraid I’d figure something out. Fannie suddenly screamed at me. Emily heard us and came running. “Jessica! Are you bullying Fannie again?” My hand froze as I picked up the notebook. My voice trembled despite myself. “I’m not.” “You still dare talk back to me?” She snatched the diary from my hands. Panic hit me instantly. During those three unbearable years, that diary had been the only thing that helped me survive all the cruelty. It held my happiness, anger, sadness, and pain. Writing in it gave me a few moments where I could breathe. “Give it back.” Emily immediately noticed my fear. A smug smile spread across her face. She grabbed the notebook with both hands and ripped. It split straight down the middle. “Now let’s see where you’re going to write all that disgusting garbage!” Scraps of paper fluttered down around me. I stood there blankly. Something inside me collapsed completely. Broken. It was all broken. A smile flashed across Fannie’s lips. Like always, she linked her arm through Emily’s. “Okay, Emily. Don’t be mad at Jessica anymore.” “My Fannie is such a good girl. Sweet and obedient. Never gives me any trouble.” Then Emily glanced at me as I knelt on the floor, gathering scraps of paper. Her smile faded. “You have no idea who actually cares about you.” “Come on. Your dad said dinner’s ready.” I didn’t go out for dinner that night. Instead, I spent the entire night piecing my diary back together. By the time the sun began to rise, my eyes were bloodshot. A tear fell onto the page, bleeding the black ink across the paper. Then I heard the bell outside again. That was Emily summoning me. It was time for the morning reading of my “Pledge of Redemption.” Every other time, I had broken down and ripped the speech apart. Sometimes I slammed my head into a tree. Sometimes into a wall. But this time, I suddenly smiled. I tore the pages I had spent all night repairing into pieces. Then I opened the door and walked outside. I stood in front of our house and began reading loudly. “I am a demon. I am selfish and greedy by nature. I have a filthy sex life and have brought shame to Oliver and Emily. From now on, I will become a...” Emily stood beside me, watching with satisfaction. Every neighbor who passed by wore a strange expression. “That’s Emily’s troublesome older daughter, right?” “Yeah. She was such a sweet little girl. How did she end up like this?” “I heard she’s possessed by a demon. Apparently she’s already slept with more than a dozen guys.” “But Jessica isn’t like that. She’s always been such a good kid. I watched her grow up...” “Her own mother confirmed it. Why would she lie?”

After Emily finished recording me, she watched the video carefully from beginning to end. Then she nodded in satisfaction. She posted it in a parents’ support-group chat filled with people just like her. “She finally behaved herself today. At least her attitude was acceptable.” Emily’s younger sister was the first to comment. “One day Jessica will understand that you did all of this for her own good.” Other comments quickly followed. “Kids these days are so ungrateful.” “You need to control how Jessica dresses. Otherwise, she’ll only get worse.” Emily took their words to heart. Her eyes practically lit up. She immediately dragged me into the bathroom. My father stood there holding the clippers, hesitating. “Do we really have to cut it that short? She’s still a girl...” Emily waved him off excitedly. “I’m doing this for her own good. Without her hair, she won’t be able to seduce people anymore.” I clenched my teeth so hard they hurt. I didn’t even dare look at myself in the mirror. As more and more hair fell to the floor, the light in my eyes faded little by little. Until nothing remained. “There. Doesn’t that look so much cleaner? Lift your head.” With my pale scalp exposed beneath uneven stubble, I stared at her blankly. Emily got on the phone and proudly reported her victory to a friend. “She’s much better behaved now. She doesn’t try to seduce people anymore.” Later, she took me outside to buy something. The neighbors stared at my butchered hair in shock. “Oh my God. Who cut her hair like that? It looks like an animal chewed it off.” “Poor girl. Possessed by a demon at such a young age. Hopefully she gets better soon.” I kept my eyes lowered. Their whispers couldn’t reach me anymore. Then a familiar pair of shoes stopped in front of me. I slowly looked up. My eyes were as empty as a puppet’s. Ethan was staring at me. There was heartbreak in his eyes. Anger too. But more than anything, there was the helplessness of a teenage boy who didn’t know how to save me. “Jessica...” “Are you Jessica’s friend? She’s sick, so we had to shave her hair off.” Emily yanked me toward her. She looked gentle on the surface, but where no one could see, her fingers dug brutally into my skin. I could only nod along. Then I forced a stiff smile. The moment we got home, a slap crashed across my face. “I take my eyes off you for a few seconds and the demon inside you starts acting up again! When are you ever going to stop making me worry?” Ethan’s fists had clenched so tightly I had heard his knuckles crack. At dinner, Emily bought more than three pounds of fatty pork. She cooked all of it for me. “Hurry up and eat! You need to put on weight.” The pale slabs of fat were like solidified grease. They rolled around in my throat, refusing to go down. Emily kept urging me to eat. My face twitched as I swallowed each bite like I was swallowing knives. Then a violent wave of nausea surged up. I didn’t even make it to the bathroom. I vomited right there. Congealed grease filled my nose and throat. Fannie immediately pinched her nose. “That’s disgusting! Did you do that on purpose? How am I supposed to eat now?” My father, Oliver, sighed too. “Forget it. If she doesn’t want to eat, don’t force her.” “No!” Emily’s face darkened completely. “I finally managed to suppress the demon in her body. I can’t stop now.” She picked up the remaining half bowl of meat. Then she grabbed my face and started shoving it into my mouth. “Eat! Who do you think I’m doing all this for?” I ate and threw up at the same time. My heart pounded so violently it felt ready to burst. Then the doorbell rang. Emily froze. She put down the bowl and went to open the door. “Linda? What are you doing here?” Emily politely invited her inside. Linda had been smiling at first. But when her gaze landed on me sprawled on the floor, her eyes instantly turned red. “Jessica...” Emily snapped back to reality and immediately helped me up with exaggerated gentleness. “Go clean yourself up. I’ll explain everything to your teacher.” I nodded slowly. Then I obediently went into the bathroom. From beginning to end, I didn’t say a single word. Linda took a deep breath and pulled up a video on her phone. “Emily, this is surveillance footage from the school. You can see for yourself that Jessica has never had inappropriate contact with any boys. What you told me before has to be a misunderstanding.” “And I’d also like to know what just happened to Jessica.” The smile on Emily’s face faded. Tears immediately filled her eyes. She heard the accusation in Linda’s voice. “Linda, kids these days know how to hide that kind of thing. Why would they let you catch them?” “Do you really think parents would intentionally hurt their own children?” Linda was silent for a few seconds. Then she continued. “At least let Jessica come back to school. Her grades have always been straight As, and she’s an excellent student. She has one of the best chances in the school of getting into a good college.” “She can study at home just as well. You saw her. Jessica isn’t healthy. She throws up after eating. I’m not comfortable sending her back to school.” Emily refused to listen to anything anyone said. “It’s getting late. If there’s nothing else, Linda, you should go.” Linda had no choice but to stand. Before leaving, she looked in my direction. Her eyes were filled with sorrow. “Jessica, if you need anything, message me.” Her lips moved. It looked like she wanted to say more. But then she seemed to understand. Nothing she said would matter.